Rediscovering emotions

Which is scarier: ending or beginning?

I like a guy. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt anything like this; and it’s kind of scary to feel this way again.

But how do you start again with someone else when you’re scared witless? Which is scarier – a relationship falling apart or a relationship which works out? I honestly don’t even know where to start, I’m still learning how to feel like this again.

titanicSo how do I deal with having feelings for someone? I actually don’t know, as with everyone who has a serious amount of baggage I’m completely winging it (translation: pretty much ignoring it for now).

Does it matter if anything develops or not? Well, obviously it would be great if something did develop, but ultimately I don’t think it matters. That sounds awful, and it sounds like I’m trivialising my feelings for this person – I’m not. The thinking behind the statement is more that I now know I am simply capable of feeling like this again – and that is such a huge relief. Because I thought I was done with men, put off forever. Appears not, thank goodness. But I won’t be disappointed if nothing happens, because I’m expecting that outcome, my life to date has shown me that assumption is the safest one. It’s nice to feel this way again, but I’m considerably more cynical than I was a few years ago. Right now I am simply relieved to I know I am still capable of just considering wanting to contemplate being romantically involved with a man again.

It’s nice just smiling properly again. He makes me smile, just that in itself is a wonderful thing.

c s lewis quoteAfter L’s dad left I put myself in the deep freeze emotionally, it was just so much safer than the alternative, which was impacting on my friends and colleagues. It worked well for me, everything was dealt with objectively in the end; I’m fine as a result. But I’m now rather more isolated than I used to be, and I wasn’t that sociable to start with. So what now?

There are always mixed feelings about moving on from relationships, it doesn’t matter how the relationship ended, or who ended it, if real feelings were involved then it always feels kind of weird to move on. Even when you’re not remotely interested in that person anymore. It might feel weird but by having new feelings for someone I don’t feel disloyal to any past relationships at all, I don’t, those ships have sailed and last time I literally I packed its bags.

pooh quoteBut it’s the accumulation of relationships where I’ve been the one who is left standing while they marry the next girl on the list. I’m sure I’m not the only person this has happened to, but the last four relationships I’ve had, the men married the next girl down the line. Really. There’s a whole bunch of mixed feelings about that one, and even though I don’t regret any of those relationships ending, I feel more than a little like the practice wife and I don’t like it. Part of me would rather stay single than have that happen again.

Either I’m not enough or too much, based on past comments. Well it can’t be both so I’ve decided it’s neither. I’m me, definitely not perfect, but I’m not about to change for anyone. If a guy can’t deal with that then he knows where the door is.

right trackMy friends tell me I’m lovely as I am, I do have the right messages ringing in my ears. My friends are wonderful and they know me far better than any of these men did – so I’ll listen to them. It’s still hard to believe sometimes because the weight of history belies their message. But believe I must, because my history is just the past. And the past has no place in my future.

I don’t know how I will ever fully trust a man again, but I know I will…at some point. Eventually. Even if I get my heart broken again. Because I’m an optimist; I firmly believe that there are still some nice guys about, they’re not all married, engaged, shacked up, or gay, and one of them may even like me for who I am. Even if I do talk rubbish quite a lot of the time.

weirdo who makes me laughSo, is it scarier to be rejected or accepted? The latter, no contest. It is horrible being rejected, but you carry on being you and don’t lose anything that you need to keep hold of, you’re temporarily disappointed but that’s pretty much it. With acceptance, there is the immediate possibility that you might lose something you want, that you suddenly open yourself up to being hurt again – you give someone else the power to hurt you.   And that is terrifying; relationships scare the heebijeebies out of me.

handsWhatever will be, will be. For now it’s just good to feel these emotions at all, and it’s nice to finally smile properly again.



One thought on “Rediscovering emotions

  1. Pingback: Taking a leap of faith | FreeFrom Mama

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